Special thanks to our friends at Kairos Works Photography for these beautiful pictures.
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As a new wife, I'm trying to train myself in the art of giving without expecting anything in return - at least not immediately. I know this applies generally, but because I'm a new wife, it would be good to exercise this practice in our new marriage. When done continuously, this practice becomes an act of habit, and it will eventually shape your character.
If you ask, why the "not immediately"? Let me explain.
My partner's and my domestic chore arrangements are not determined by ratios or how much we each are entitled to which chores; instead, we decide on what we want to do based on what we like/don't mind doing. For example, the 2 things I hate doing the most are folding laundry and washing the dishes. I don't mind getting dirty socks and sacks into the washing machine, but boy, do I HATE taking care of the washed loads. Anyway, my man has voted 'yay' to take care of these, in addition to the task of giving our dirty dishes a bath as often as needed within the week.
I, on the other hand, has agreed to do most of the cooking, the vacuuming, wiping and swiffer-cleaning of all areas of our 600+ sq ft condo (not exclusive to kitchen and bathroom fixtures), laundry-washing and drying (including replacing bed sheets, etc etc). On some days, he squeegees the bathtub because I don't usually do it. Garbage arrangements are done 50-50 as I would replace the plastic bags in the bins and ask him to throw them down the chute. These are just a few of many other examples.
The underlying point in all of this is not about how much each of us do, but what we don't mind doing. I feel that if I didn't as much mind folding the laundry and washing the dishes, I'd probably volunteer to take those on as well. What I'm trying to say is, when we start applying numbers and ratios to our relationship, it becomes a calculation. When you start calculating your relationship, well... I mean, I wouldn't really know.
Going back to the premise of giving without asking for a return, the fact that I do most of the house work at home doesn't make me call for domestic justice or feel unfairly treated. Conversely, I am much happier knowing that I can serve the person I love to the best of my ability with all that I have.
I understand that many people would disagree with me if I said that we shouldn't be expecting a return AT ALL. Some people may able to work with that, but some are not. And then there would be others pointing out that the definition of a selfless relationship/marriage is exactly that: not expecting anything in return - which is true. But how true can we stay to that "truth"? Does true altruism exist? I digress.
Like an investment, married (and unmarried) couples, even friends, put contributions into the relationship/friendship. But UNlike an investment, we forgo the numbers and calculations of interests. We put in our contributions but we shouldn't be focusing on how much we get as a return. Rather, we concentrate on the small contributions that gradually grow and ultimately become an exponential phenomenon for our individual character, as well as our partner's. THIS is a result we want to see and achieve.
In my opinion, relationships, marriages, and friendships should all have give-and-takes; however, I don't necessarily think they must be equal. What I think NEEDS to be equal is your love and respect for one another. I'm completely fine with doing 75% of the work, but it does not mean that my love towards my husband is 75% greater than his love for me. Nowadays I'm less fixated on how high his love-o-meter is for me, because I believe that when I give him the best version of myself, I help to bring out the best in him. Perhaps you don't see an outcome right away, but it's about the accumulation of positive impact that you keep sowing within each other as you grow together.
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